Its been a little while since I wrote this blog down.Im a lil bit busy.Living my boring life.I left JUSSLING and go to highschool now. Well all JUSSLING does.It hurts us all,but what can we do?Life must go on,and we should pass those phase.
Little info, I tried to run this blog as quiet as I can.I never publish this to anyone. This blog is going to be my place to tell stories that nobody knows,or wanted to hear.
Its almost a year. I've declare peace with R and let M go. People around and new friends helped me to do them all. Sometimes I thanked God that he put me in a better place. I still miss M and hope for her heart, as I always promise with blood streaming from my arm. But those feeling is not as strong as before. I've tried to close it and it works, even if it made some holes.
I followed UM blog, my ex-band. I used to play in that band, but Im out a couple months ago. I was the admin, and posted some stuff. But after I left, I never use and care about it again. Until 10 minutes ago.
Now is, midnight on the weekend. Im bored and search some old stuff, and opened some of my blogs, included this one, and looked at the dashboard. I saw a post of myself in that blog. A post that I never made. It tells that Im the one who tried to destroying the band, hacked the band facebook etc. With one of my picture on it. And I know it was R.
Well I was surprised. I know, maybe R posted it when the fight is still be held and tried to insulted me. But we've declared peace, and I started to saking myself, why the hell he didnt delete that post? I saw through the site. After that post of me, R posted some studio photo we took. With me in them. Then after that, a post about a gig we played before, and Im still in it. That was the last post. This confused me. How can he made a post that insulted me, but then posted some pics of us?
And naturally, the Hate creeping in me once again. The Hate that I used to own. The Hate I used to fight with.
I scrolled down, and readed a post about R introduced the UM members. Actually if he scrolled down again and opened the older post, he'll see that I already posted about it before. But I think he wanna post it by his way. He said about himself, that he is almost like the leader of the band, that he run almost all in the band. This actually could be a weakness of him. If any of member saw this, this could be a thing to fight against him. I mean, its a band. Band has no leader. All members are leaders, and nobody is upper.
But then he said 'this is his girlfriend" and posted his picture with M in the bus. His hand is on M's cheek. If I didnt close my feelings yet, this could be a cause of heart attack for me.
And this is the worse. Seeing M's face. Smiling, happy. It wakes my feelings of her. It grows stronger, and almost broke the seal I used to close it.Also the Hate, he grows stronger too. The Jealous give him power. I know they've broke up. But it reminded me of the war. The war I used to fight with all of my guts. The war that I lose.
My scar acted weird too. It usually blurred along with my skin, but I dont know how, it seems clear. Like I slitted it a minutes ago.
And M. Oh my God, she came back to my mind. Once again, I memorized all the things we've been through. Feels like the old me is taking control. I resisted. I dont wanted it. Im better now and I dont want my past to take it again. But however, this bothers me.
Ill try to fight. My stubborn scar is a gentle reminder that now are better days, not the recaller of my past.
